Trust me, it hurts to cry until your body runs out of tears…

I never should have waited as long as I did. I’ve loved her for as long as I’ve really known her. Even when we weren’t together. I wasted so much time when she was here. I should have payed attention, should have been more open. I don’t eat regularly. I barely sleep. I can’t control my emotions. I don’t know how to handle this at all. All I do in public is act like I’m okay. I’m not okay. I hate not being able to see her face to face, to reach out and grab her hand, to hold her in my arms and feel her lips on mine. Everyone says it will it get easier, but it doesn’t. Every morning I wake up lost. Each night I sleep feeling alone. I know I’m not the first person to feel heartache, but I’ve never gone through anything like this. It’s hard to just get through my day. All i want in the world is her. I had thought I stopped believing in love so long ago. I love her more than she knows, more than I ever thought I could love anyone. Sure I’m young, but I know what I feel is real. I have no doubts about that, I have no doubt in Xoni. I’ll never stop being hers. 

I love you. With all of my heart.

How can I still be so sad when I have so much to be happy about?

That’s how long it has been since she left. It feels much longer than that. I don’t think there has been a day that I haven’t been down, sat alone in my room staring at the grey walls hoping for a sign or an all encompassing thought to spring out at me and bring my understanding of this matter full circle.

I can’t truly explain why I feel this way. It’s almost as if there is a pit in my chest eating away at me. I don’t know how to cheer myself up. Anything I’ve done to attempt filling the void ends up the same way; Alone, in my bed, weeping myself to sleep.

I have the utmost trust in her. She’s a smart girl. I know she wouldn’t knowingly do anything to hurt me. The parameters of our relationship have been set. To stop dating seems ridiculous to both of us. I don’t trust others. People whose intentions are vividly cruel. If something happened to her there, I don’t know what I would do. However, if someone tried to cause her harm in any way, the only sample of the consequences I could give you would be Taken.

I’ve never just given someone myself. Never given away my love true to any one person. In every other relationship I’ve taken precautionary measures for something like this. Had a plan a setup for an event like this.

But, I love her. I’ll always have a place for her in my heart. The last thing I want to do is not be with her in some way, shape, or form. I don’t understand how to go about a relationship with love at a distance. It’s something I’ve never believed in and now it’s the only concept and ideal I want to grasp.

I love you Xoni.

I had a strange dream, it involved Xoni. She called me crying. She despised living in New York. She hated it more than anything else. She explained that she was transferring to a school in Boston, and went on to say that I was able to transfer there with her. It was the happiest I’ve felt. When I awoke those feelings of happiness reverted quickly back to those of heart ache. Waking up believing it was all real turns my consciousness into nightmares.

This situation is awful, yet blissful. I don’t understand it at all, yet I grasp it’s concept entirely. I love her wholeheartedly.

I know that for certain. That is exactly why this is so hard. I can’t Skype with her without bawling afterwards. This working out is more important than anything else. She comes back in December, on the week of the 19th. So, I did the math.*

That is roughly 4 months,

Which is close to 16 weeks,

Lasting around 2,808 hours,

Being nearly 168,480 minutes,

Reaching the amount of 10,108,800 wretched seconds that I have to spend with her 20 hours away.

This is the most challenging thing I have ever dealt with. The emotional trauma is new to me, and today, feels like a fate worse than death. Not only that but my body is physically causing me pain because of it all.

Xoni, your return is going to be the best Christmas present I could ask for.

I love you,

Connor

*due to the math equivalent of dyslexia, all integers stated above are not guaranteed to be correct

Taken by me.